Can long distance relationship (LDR) actually work???

Can long-distance relationships (LDRs) ever work?

Long distance relationships absolutely can work! But, you do need to know a few essentials to survive the separation and avoid some common pitfalls!

Therefore, I'm going to help you get an insight into the dynamics of a long-distance relationship (LDR). I'm also going to give you some tips and advice to help you build and maintain a flourishing relationship, regardless of your circumstances. I am rooting for the two of you!

Let's begin by unpicking why the two of you are living at a distance...

5 Common reasons why you may find yourself in a long-distance relationship

Here are some of the reasons why you can find yourself in a long-distance relationship:

1.       You've met on the internet and live too far apart to meet regularly

2.       You've been together and work requirements or career progression - imposed or chosen - result in your living apart

3.       One or both of you is/are in the services or has another job which requires extended periods away from home

4.       A holiday romance has blossomed into a longer-term long-distance relationship

5.       One of you has had to leave home due to war, political unrest or lack of opportunities - temporarily or in anticipation of you being reunited

Which one is it for you?

All of them have their own unique challenges, but I'm going to start with the most common issues, and the best long-distance relationship advice that I can give you.

There is nothing quite as fun as hoping for an 'old-fashioned' handwritten letter on your doormat.

5 Common challenges faced in a long distance relationship

What you need to know to survive

Which of the following common challenges apply to your situation?

1. Feeling a sense of uncertainty and insecurity.

There tends to be a general belief that LDRs don't work. Your friends and family may increase your own doubts with their negative comments. As if you need that! (Particularly if you feel that the separation has been imposed on you.)

2. Been scared of the future.

Even if you're deeply in love, excited and hopeful, fears about the future may lurk. These fears often relate to particular life stages, with choices and decisions to be made in terms of your next step in life.

3. Painful longing for close, physical contact

It can feel lonely when you just can't wrap your arms around the love of your life, even more so if you happen to go through a difficult time.

4. Managing' the goodbyes and hello's

Of course the goodbyes can be heart-breaking. The worst thing is that you know at the start of the visit that it will soon end. But that does depend on the state of your relationship...

The departure can also bring relief, and the returns can be a cause of worries and unhappiness.

5. Managing conflict can be more challenging

But they are not necessarily problems specific to LDRs!

As I've already mentioned - you're bound to be confronted with nay-Sayers. Therefore, I'm going to give you some ammunition - not only to counter their arguments, but also to increase your confidence too...

Why your problems aren't all that different to 'normal' couples.

Uncertainty and anxiety about the future exist just as much in relationships where couples are living together. I've seen hundreds of these relationships in my counseling room.

If I had a dollar for all the people I've counseled who felt lonely in their relationship I could feed myself for a year.

Too many couples I've seen weren't even able to manage the daily hellos and goodbye's, due to conflict, lack of trust and/or insecurity.

Research shows that the breakup rate of LDRs isn't any higher than in 'ordinary' relationships.

From my experience, there are so many other reasons which can lead couples to argue like toddlers!

Research has shown that partners in LDRs are no more likely to have affairs than those who are together.

LDRs are common - the two of you really aren't the odd ones out!

So relax and also know that LDRs have their own advantages too.

This takes us to the eight advantages of LDRs…

8 Advantages of long distance relationships (LDRs)

1.       There can be a huge sense of anticipation and excitement in the build up to a reunion, just like there is for any other wished-for event. You're just fortunate that it happens more often.

2.       Your reunions are doubly sweet (if all is well). Compare that with coming home from work every night!

3.       The two of you are likely to find it easier to share your feelings. You can get to know each other's intimate life gently as you slowly grow closer.

4.       You have the time to develop your own interests, study, spend time on hobbies or just sit in the garden doing nothing at all but enjoying the sunshine without feeling guilty (well, maybe not if you have children)!.

5.        You are free to share as much time with your friends as you like.

6.       You're more likely to be made to feel 'special' by receiving more 'keep-sakes', notes, apps, emails and letters than partners in 'ordinary' relationships.

7.       Practicing self-reliance and successfully dealing with problems on your own can lead to increased self-esteem and resilience.

8.        Long distance relationships are conducive to developing a healthy interdependency rather than an (often) unhealthy dependency on each other.

I personally have been in a long-distance relationship and I can vouch for all of the above. In the first two years of that relationship, we only spent a total of a couple of months together. Nevertheless, it was a very exciting time!

You do need to be prepared to deal with any difficulties though - just like you would in any other relationship.

Let's talk about one of the challenges that can make or break any relationship, but that needs particular attention in a long-distance relationship.

 Follow my advice bellow on getting it right as much as you can...

Long distance relationship advice

The best tips to prepare you for the inevitable struggles

Typical LDR problems are caused by over arguments, for example:

·         Who’s doing more than the other to help the relationship?

·         Issues of trust

·         Who should travel to see the other

·         Who should pay for what (do you in fact have sufficient funds for the extra travel expenses?)

·         how to spend your time together

No doubt, you can come up with your own reasons for feeling miffed with your partner. But, how good is each of you when it comes to managing uncertainty, disagreements and feelings of anger?

What do you do when you want to confront your partner? Do you write? Do you call?

Or would you rather not admit to feeling miffed for fear of spoiling the little time you have together?

How long do you wait until you 'spit it out'?

When you do take the risk, do you expect to sort it all out immediately?

Here is my advice...

There is much you can do for yourself to help your relationship flourish...

7 Management tips in a long distance relationship

1. You are responsible for managing your own feelings!

Yes, I know that may sound harsh. But, just for a moment, imagine 3 very different people you know. Imagine each one of them dealing with the same problem. You'll find that most of them would be very likely to respond differently.

Your partner isn't responsible for how you manage your feelings. But that doesn't mean that you don't have the right to feel the way you do, of course!

2. Calm down first

Before you write, email, app or call, take some time to calm down. As human beings we can do or say some pretty stupid things when we're emotional.

3. If at all possible - don't call

Phone calls can be easily broken off when one of you is hurt or angry, and privacy can be a problem.

There is also too much room for misinterpretation, misunderstanding, mistiming and time constraints - on either side. All of these can potentially result in further conflict.

4. Don't app any negative stuff either

It's the very worst way of managing your battles. I'm sure you can think of the reasons.

5. Take your time to write a decent letter or email

Sleep on it for a night and have a friend read it out loud to you. Only when you sound 'together', reasonable and not too emotional - send it, and the letter should also contain genuinely loving stuff too.

You each then have an opportunity to read and re-read it.

6. Don't make any assumptions

Your imagination can run riot with you and don’t be  too quick to jump into conclusions without you having any evidence other than what you've imagined or 'interpreted' from what you've heard or seen.

Don't! Calmly explain how you feel, without accusations.

7. Focus on the positives

It's easy to get stuck in a negative cycle when you focus your attention on what isn't working. It can make you forget that there's so much to be grateful for. So, try writing down a list of all there is to be grateful for, to remind you when you forget.

Don't surreptitiously threaten your partner with things like, for example, not having time to visit you or coming home

Don't 'hint' at having other people you'd like to spend time with as a way to deliberately make your partner feel uncomfortable or jealous

And we haven't even talked about the silences yet!

Don't 'punish' your partner by not returning their calls

Don't 'answer' because you want to teach them a lesson

Don't just stay silent when you need time to think things through - say you need a minute

“The silence is the worst part of any fight, because it's made up of all the things we wish we could say, if only we had the guts.”

Long distance relationships take time to build.

Invigorate your conversations!

A new relationship takes more time to build and an existing one needs time to settle into the new reality.

Be patient, don't second guess - stay in the moment and make sure you enjoy each baby-step forward.

In a new relationship, you're more likely to idealize your (potential) partner for longer, because you're less likely to be confronted with the 'real' person. Both of you also have more opportunities to 'sanitize' yourself and present the 'ideal' you. You could each be sorely disappointed of course when you do get to spend more time with each other!

Be as honest as you can, carefully reveal more of the real you bit-by-bit as you build trust. Don't be tempted to reveal too much personal detail too early on just to make conversation.

In an existing long-term relationship or marriage, where partners need to live apart, the dynamics inevitably go through a period of transition. Both of you (and your children) have to adopt different roles to adapt to the new situation.

Allow yourselves to 'mess up' without giving yourselves or each other a hard time. As human beings we feel and behave differently during times of stress - we aren't quite ourselves. So cut each other some slack.

Breaking up is often a slow breaking off

Breaking up tends to happen more slowly with LDRs

The relationship often 'peters out', before one or other of the partners realizes how far the relationship has deteriorated. It's often easier just to carry on as you are and not face up to the problems. In the meantime, one or both partners increasingly fill in their time and life with other concerns, interests and perhaps even other relationships.

It's easy to feel like you're 'being taken for granted'

You'll want your relationship not just to survive but also to thrive - without either of you feeling that you're making all the effort.

Creativity is needed to come up with great ways to keep each other feeling loved, cared for and interested.

Determination is needed to get you through (temporary) hitches, troubled times and low moods.

Commitment to effort is needed to prevent feelings of being taken for granted.

The filling in of time together

Deciding how you spend the time together and how much of it. There's often an expectation from family and friends too. When time together is at such a premium and there's so much to gain and to lose, it's obvious that these things can't be left to chance

5 Tips for spending your time meaningfully while you're apart

Long distance relationship advice cannot be complete without us looking at your responsibilities as an individual. After all, you have no control over what your partner does or doesn't feel or do.

There's much you can do yourself to prevent every parting's heartbreak from stopping you living life to the full whilst you're on your own:

1. Be willing to develop yourself

It's just too painful and unhelpful to sit around and wait. So, choose a hobby, do a course, study and spend time with friends. Decide to really commit to whatever it is that you want to do.

The 'sitting together in silence' isn't necessarily a part of your relationship. Therefore, as well as needing to keep yourself entertained, you need things to talk about together too.

You won't want to be completely dependent on your partner for meeting your essential emotional needs. Instead, many of those needs can be met through your connections with other people and through finding meaning by stretching yourself in some way.

2. Unplug yourself

Focus away from apps and social media!

You become a complete bore to yourself and other people if you can't disconnect yourself from your mobile phone. You're also likely to be distracted with thoughts about why he or she hasn't texted, hasn't answered, hasn't looked at messages, etc. This can only increase any sense of insecurity and anxiety you may already have.

3. Get it off your chest

Avoiding conflict may seem reasonable and manageable when you're so far apart, and your time together is so precious, but it potentially leads to long-term trouble. You'll get stuck if you attribute the problems in your relationship to the distance. You can't change the distance, but you can do something about your relationship problems.

4. Deal with your own 'hang-ups'

If you're feeling insecure and have low self-esteem, you may find the 'demands' of this type of relationship particularly challenging.

If you're feeling jealous - talk about it with your partner, but most certainly have a conversation with yourself. Ask questions like:

Where does the jealousy come from?

Have I been plagued by those feelings before?

If so, why was that?

Do I generally quickly feel 'short-changed'?

Is there any hard evidence that my partner is not being faithful and/or honest?

 Whatever is at the bottom of those feelings - do something about it. Your partner might be able to soothe and comfort you, but they won't be able to heal you. And you deserve to be healed! Only you can really do something about it.

Also, if you're the one left behind and you happen to feel that you had little choice then, as harsh as it might sound, my best advice to you is: really deal with it - get some help with it if necessary.

Don't let any feelings of resentment stop you from doing all you can to develop the relationship in the new direction.

Talk to an expert to help you come to terms with the situation

Don't undermine your partner's efforts in working on the relationship.

Don't be tempted to 'punish' your partner in any way, by having an affair, not talking, not answering calls, etc.

5. Look for support

There is no better way to deal with life's ups and downs than to share them with someone. You won't always be able to do that with your partner (no different in any other type of relationship), so be on the lookout for people you can talk to in confidence...

DISCLAIMER

The information contained on this blog is written based on my own empirical understanding and is true for me at the time they were written. However, as I continue to grow in knowledge and understanding, what I perceived as the truth will definitely change, as a result of this – the information contained on this blog may not reflect my current outlook. Therefore, I am not liable for any special, direct, indirect, consequential, or incidental damages or any damages whatsoever, arising out of or in connection with the contents of this blog.

Alex Oduanam

www.alexoduanam.blogspot.com