Can long distance relationship (LDR) actually work???
Long distance relationships
absolutely can work! But, you do need to know a few essentials to survive the
separation and avoid some common pitfalls!
Therefore, I'm going to help you
get an insight into the dynamics of a long-distance relationship (LDR). I'm
also going to give you some tips and advice to help you build and maintain a
flourishing relationship, regardless of your circumstances. I am rooting for
the two of you!
Let's begin by unpicking why the two
of you are living at a distance...
5 Common reasons
why you may find yourself in a long-distance relationship
Here are some of the reasons why
you can find yourself in a long-distance relationship:
1.
You've met on the
internet and live too far apart to meet regularly
2.
You've been together
and work requirements or career progression - imposed or chosen - result in your
living apart
3.
One or both of you
is/are in the services or has another job which requires extended periods away
from home
4.
A holiday romance has blossomed
into a longer-term long-distance relationship
5.
One of you has had to
leave home due to war, political unrest or lack of opportunities - temporarily
or in anticipation of you being reunited
Which one is it for you?
All of them have their own unique
challenges, but I'm going to start with the most common issues, and the best
long-distance relationship advice that I can give you.
There is nothing quite as fun as
hoping for an 'old-fashioned' handwritten letter on your doormat.
5 Common challenges
faced in a long distance relationship
What you need to know to survive
Which of the following common
challenges apply to your situation?
1. Feeling a sense of uncertainty and insecurity.
There tends to be a general belief
that LDRs don't work. Your friends and family may increase your own doubts with
their negative comments. As if you need that! (Particularly if you feel that
the separation has been imposed on you.)
2. Been scared of the future.
Even if you're deeply in love,
excited and hopeful, fears about the future may lurk. These fears often relate
to particular life stages, with choices and decisions to be made in terms of
your next step in life.
3. Painful longing for close, physical contact
It can feel lonely when you just
can't wrap your arms around the love of your life, even more so if you happen
to go through a difficult time.
4. Managing' the goodbyes and hello's
Of course the goodbyes can be
heart-breaking. The worst thing is that you know at the start of the visit that
it will soon end. But that does depend on the state of your relationship...
The departure can also bring
relief, and the returns can be a cause of worries and unhappiness.
5. Managing conflict can be more challenging
But they are not necessarily
problems specific to LDRs!
As I've already mentioned - you're
bound to be confronted with nay-Sayers. Therefore, I'm going to give you some
ammunition - not only to counter their arguments, but also to increase your confidence too...
Why your problems aren't all that
different to 'normal' couples.
Uncertainty and anxiety about the
future exist just as much in relationships where couples are living together.
I've seen hundreds of these relationships in my counseling room.
If I had a dollar for all the
people I've counseled who felt lonely in their relationship I could feed myself
for a year.
Too many couples I've seen weren't
even able to manage the daily hellos and goodbye's, due to conflict, lack of
trust and/or insecurity.
Research shows that the breakup
rate of LDRs isn't any higher than in 'ordinary' relationships.
From my experience, there are so
many other reasons which can lead couples to argue like toddlers!
Research has shown that partners
in LDRs are no more likely to have affairs than those who are together.
LDRs are common - the two of you
really aren't the odd ones out!
So relax and also know that LDRs
have their own advantages too.
This takes us to the eight
advantages of LDRs…
8 Advantages of long
distance relationships (LDRs)
1.
There can be a huge
sense of anticipation and excitement in the build up to a reunion, just like
there is for any other wished-for event. You're just fortunate that it happens
more often.
2.
Your reunions are
doubly sweet (if all is well). Compare that with coming home from work every
night!
3.
The two of you are
likely to find it easier to share your feelings. You can get to know each
other's intimate life gently as you slowly grow closer.
4.
You have the time to
develop your own interests, study, spend time on hobbies or just sit in the
garden doing nothing at all but enjoying the sunshine without feeling guilty
(well, maybe not if you have children)!.
5.
You are free to share as much time with your
friends as you like.
6.
You're more likely to
be made to feel 'special' by receiving more 'keep-sakes', notes, apps, emails
and letters than partners in 'ordinary' relationships.
7.
Practicing
self-reliance and successfully dealing with problems on your own can lead to
increased self-esteem and resilience.
8.
Long distance relationships are conducive to
developing a healthy interdependency rather than an (often) unhealthy
dependency on each other.
I personally have been in a
long-distance relationship and I can vouch for all of the above. In the first
two years of that relationship, we only spent a total of a couple of months
together. Nevertheless, it was a very exciting time!
You do need to be prepared to deal
with any difficulties though - just like you would in any other relationship.
Let's talk about one of the
challenges that can make or break any relationship, but that needs particular
attention in a long-distance relationship.
Follow my advice bellow on getting it right as
much as you can...
Long distance
relationship advice
The best tips to prepare you for
the inevitable struggles
Typical LDR problems are caused by
over arguments, for example:
·
Who’s doing more than the other to
help the relationship?
·
Issues of trust
·
Who should travel to
see the other
·
Who should pay for
what (do you in fact have sufficient funds for the extra travel expenses?)
·
how to spend your time
together
No doubt, you can come up with
your own reasons for feeling miffed with your partner. But, how good is each of you when it comes to managing
uncertainty, disagreements and feelings of anger?
What do you do when you want to
confront your partner? Do you write? Do you call?
Or would you rather not admit to
feeling miffed for fear of spoiling the little time you have together?
How long do you wait until you
'spit it out'?
When you do take the risk, do you
expect to sort it all out immediately?
Here is my advice...
There is much you can do for
yourself to help your relationship flourish...
7 Management
tips in a long distance relationship
1. You are responsible for managing your own feelings!
Yes, I know that may sound harsh.
But, just for a moment, imagine 3 very different people you know. Imagine each
one of them dealing with the same problem. You'll find that most of them would
be very likely to respond differently.
Your partner isn't responsible for
how you manage your feelings. But that doesn't mean that you don't have the right
to feel the way you do, of course!
2. Calm down first
Before you write, email, app or
call, take some time to calm down. As human beings we can do or say some pretty
stupid things when we're emotional.
3. If at all possible - don't call
Phone calls can be easily broken
off when one of you is hurt or angry, and privacy can be a problem.
There is also too much room for
misinterpretation, misunderstanding, mistiming and time constraints - on either
side. All of these can potentially result in further conflict.
4. Don't app any negative stuff either
It's the very worst way of
managing your battles. I'm sure you can think of the reasons.
5. Take your time to write a decent letter or email
Sleep on it for a night and have a
friend read it out loud to you. Only when you sound 'together', reasonable and
not too emotional - send it, and the letter should also contain genuinely
loving stuff too.
You each then have an opportunity
to read and re-read it.
6. Don't make any assumptions
Your imagination can run riot with
you and don’t
be too quick to jump into conclusions
without you having any evidence other than what you've imagined or
'interpreted' from what you've heard or seen.
Don't! Calmly explain how you
feel, without accusations.
7. Focus on the positives
It's easy to get stuck in a
negative cycle when you focus your attention on what isn't working. It can make
you forget that there's so much to be grateful for. So, try writing down a list
of all there is to be grateful for, to remind you when you forget.
Don't surreptitiously threaten
your partner with things like, for example, not having time to visit you or
coming home
Don't 'hint' at having other
people you'd like to spend time with as a way to deliberately make your partner
feel uncomfortable or jealous
And we haven't even talked about
the silences yet!
Don't 'punish' your partner by not
returning their calls
Don't 'answer' because you want to
teach them a lesson
Don't just stay silent when you
need time to think things through - say you need a minute
“The
silence is the worst part of any fight, because it's made up of all the things
we wish we could say, if only we had the guts.”
Long distance
relationships take time to build.
Invigorate your
conversations!
A new relationship takes more time
to build and an existing one needs time to settle into the new reality.
Be patient, don't second guess -
stay in the moment and make sure you enjoy each baby-step forward.
In a new relationship, you're more
likely to idealize your (potential) partner for longer, because you're less
likely to be confronted with the 'real' person. Both of you also have more
opportunities to 'sanitize' yourself and present the 'ideal' you. You could
each be sorely disappointed of course when you do get to spend more time with
each other!
Be as honest as you can, carefully
reveal more of the real you bit-by-bit as you build trust. Don't be tempted to
reveal too much personal detail too early on just to make conversation.
In an existing long-term
relationship or marriage, where partners need to live apart, the dynamics
inevitably go through a period of transition. Both of you (and your children)
have to adopt different roles to adapt to the new situation.
Allow yourselves to 'mess up'
without giving yourselves or each other a hard time. As human beings we feel
and behave differently during times of stress - we aren't quite ourselves. So
cut each other some slack.
Breaking up is often a slow
breaking off
Breaking up tends to happen more
slowly with LDRs
The relationship often 'peters
out', before one or other of the partners realizes how far the relationship has
deteriorated. It's often easier just to carry on as you are and not face up to
the problems. In the meantime, one or both partners increasingly fill in their
time and life with other concerns, interests and perhaps even other
relationships.
It's easy to feel like you're
'being taken for granted'
You'll want your relationship not
just to survive but also to thrive - without either of you feeling that you're
making all the effort.
Creativity is needed to come up
with great ways to keep each other feeling loved, cared for and interested.
Determination is needed to get you
through (temporary) hitches, troubled times and low moods.
Commitment to effort is needed to
prevent feelings of being taken for granted.
The filling in
of time together
Deciding how you spend the time
together and how much of it. There's often an
expectation from family and friends too. When time together is at such a
premium and there's so much to gain and to lose, it's obvious that these things
can't be left to chance
5 Tips for
spending your time meaningfully while you're apart
Long distance relationship advice
cannot be complete without us looking at your responsibilities as an
individual. After all, you have no control over what your partner does or
doesn't feel or do.
There's much you can do yourself
to prevent every parting's heartbreak from stopping you living life to the full
whilst you're on your own:
1. Be willing to develop yourself
It's just too painful and
unhelpful to sit around and wait. So, choose a hobby, do a course, study and
spend time with friends. Decide to really commit to whatever it is that you
want to do.
The 'sitting together in silence'
isn't necessarily a part of your relationship. Therefore, as well as needing to
keep yourself entertained, you need things to talk about together too.
You won't want to be completely
dependent on your partner for meeting your essential emotional needs. Instead,
many of those needs can be met through your connections with other people and
through finding meaning by stretching yourself in some way.
2. Unplug yourself
Focus away from apps and social
media!
You become a complete bore to
yourself and other people if you can't disconnect yourself from your mobile
phone. You're also likely to be distracted with thoughts about why he or she
hasn't texted, hasn't answered, hasn't looked at messages, etc. This can only
increase any sense of insecurity and anxiety you may already have.
3. Get it off your chest
Avoiding conflict may seem
reasonable and manageable when you're so far apart, and your time together is
so precious, but it potentially leads to long-term trouble. You'll get stuck if
you attribute the problems in your relationship to the distance. You can't
change the distance, but you can do something about your relationship problems.
4. Deal with your own 'hang-ups'
If you're feeling insecure and
have low self-esteem, you may find the 'demands' of this type of relationship
particularly challenging.
If you're feeling jealous - talk
about it with your partner, but most certainly have a conversation with
yourself. Ask questions like:
Where does the jealousy come from?
Have I been plagued by those
feelings before?
If so, why was that?
Do I generally quickly feel
'short-changed'?
Is there any hard evidence that my
partner is not being faithful and/or honest?
Whatever is at the bottom of those feelings -
do something about it. Your partner might be able to soothe and comfort you,
but they won't be able to heal you. And you deserve to be healed! Only you can
really do something about it.
Also, if you're the one left
behind and you happen to feel that you had little choice then, as harsh as it
might sound, my best advice to you is: really deal with it - get some help with
it if necessary.
Don't let any feelings of
resentment stop you from doing all you can to develop the relationship in the
new direction.
Talk to an expert to help you come
to terms with the situation
Don't undermine your partner's
efforts in working on the relationship.
Don't be tempted to 'punish' your
partner in any way, by having an affair, not talking, not answering calls, etc.
5. Look for support
There is no better way to deal
with life's ups and downs than to share them with someone. You won't always be
able to do that with your partner (no different in any other type of
relationship), so be on the lookout for people you can talk to in confidence...
The
information contained on this blog is written based on my own empirical understanding
and is true for me at the time they were written. However, as I continue to
grow in knowledge and understanding, what I perceived as the truth will
definitely change, as a result of this – the information contained on this blog
may not reflect my current outlook. Therefore, I am not liable for any special,
direct, indirect, consequential, or incidental damages or any damages
whatsoever, arising out of or in connection with the contents of this blog.
Alex
Oduanam
2 comments
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The information provided is very helpful, and I Like how it is written in a way that is easy to understand.
You can also check out this blog Long-distance marriage and mental health
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